I have this problem with most of the wards I have been in Utah. I have been trying to answer these questions for myself so many times. Utah is beautiful. The people are generally pretty nice. But so many of the wards I have been to here in Utah, the people are self-absorbed and prefer to stay in their own cliques. I know you will say it is not just in Utah...and i agree....to a point. The problem is I haven't experienced the type of exclusion anywhere else but Utah. Now, let me preface the rest of my post by pointing out, I am well aware that there are nice, including Utah Mormons. My point is for the most part, i have been overwhelmingly surprised with the abundance of exclusion.
Here are some examples. I just switched wards. The ward I was in was awful. I was in this ward for shy of 2 years. In this time, I can count on fingers and toes the amount of people who spoke to me. Honestly, I can. I wasn't sitting in the back row of Relief Society with my arms folded and pouting either. I tried. REALLY hard. I served in the RS presidency, I served in the Primary, I went to play group and tried sooo hard to talk to the other moms. When I say I tried, I mean I really tried. I was desperate for a friend to talk to right after I had Mina. All I wanted was to connect with one person. I would ask the general questions to try to start a conversation.
"Hi, I am Jessa. What's your name?"
"Natalie (name changed)" turns around and starts talking to the other ladies who are sitting right next to me excluding me from the conversation. including ladies i served on the RS presidency with.
(regaining my confidence) "Which one(s) are your kid(s)?"
"That one" (turns around again)
(waits for a pause in their conversation) "So are you guys in school, working, or both"
"We are in school" Then she gets off the bench and goes to stand next to the other ladies.
This same kind of conversation happened 4 times of going to play group. I really truly went home crying.
Those of you who know me know 3 things.
1. I love to talk
2. I love to do fun things
3. I love to make new friends everywhere i go.
So obviously, i stood confused. Why the heck could I not make a friend in almost 2 years of being in the same ward?!?!? Especially when there was no lack of trying.... Not to mention i was in the hospital and missed church for quite a few weeks, no one even noticed. Never once did our Home teacher contact us, we contacted them. Never once did I have a visiting teacher visit me. Nothing.
Here is an opposite experience.
My ward in Monterey. It was an amazing experience. There were about 20 people in the ward. We were all pretty spread out. There was no shortage of friendship in this ward. My first Sunday there, every. single. person. came up and said hi to me and my mom (she came to drop me off in Monterey). After that I was always invited to the activities personally. Every single day of the week I had something to do with someone in the ward. When I was in the hospital for 3 days straight, I was never alone. I had someone with me every second. Playing cards with me, talking to me, giving me a blessing. I was surrounded by pure Christlike love and caring. This ward is very dear to my heart.
Wes and I also went to a new ward this week. There are probably about 15 couples in the ward. I had more people come up and talk to me and ask me genuine questions in the first 5 minutes then my last ward in an entire year. Truthfully. I was trying so hard not to cry. It was the answer to all my prayers. Last night we went to the ward activity. People came and talked to us, the bishop remembered everything about us. Everyone was switching off kids so we could take turns playing Softball. It was amazing.
So what is it with these "Utah Mormons"? Why in a state where NOBODY should go friendless because there are so many stinkin mormons, and we are all to practice Christlike love, do I always hear similar stories of exclusions from investigators, out of staters, and ward newbies. It is because there are too many Mormons. In Monterey, you couldn't be choosy with your friends in the church. You had 20 to choose from. And we were so excited when someone new would come we wanted them to feel welcome so they would keep coming. Of course there were cliques of people who would hang out more then others, but we still did stuff all together and talked to each other anyways. Here in Utah, you can walk through your local grocery store, close your eyes, and point, chances are you will point to a Mormon. You can be selective with your choices. Why should you make friends with that sometimes really odd Jessa girl if I can go be friends with Shirley, Jenny, and Sue?
I understand there are people who are not befriending me because it is out of their comfort zone. I get it. I am sure there is someone I was not as friendly as I could have been..and now I hope and pray that this number is few and rare.
It just really bothers me that we preach Christlike love, acceptance towards all, and loving one another. Yet I struggle with this in 7/8 wards i have been in in Utah for the past 6 or 7 years.
Luckily, when I went to this ward and had such a beautiful experience, my faith was renewed in humanity and Utah Mormons. I know there are people who genuinely care. I have faith I will meet some amazing people in this ward and I am so grateful I had the thought to switch wards. I know my Heavenly Father is looking out for me. I know the church is true. I have set a goal to get to know every single person possible in my ward and future wards. In case there is a me out there, somewhere just wishing someone would befriend them.
I hope that more people realize this "i have my friends and I am comfortable trend" and that they get over it. There are people out there who cry to their Heavenly Father every night for a friend. There are investigators who go to church, that look like everyone else, who may have questions and also need a friend. There are inactive members who need someone to help renew their faith in Christ.
I know there are probably very few people who have made it thus far in my post. It is a long, jumbled mess. but I needed to say it. I spent so many of the last months bitter towards Utah Mormons and the church in general. After this Sunday and the ward activity I just needed to blurt it all out.
I love my Heavenly Father. I know he cares for me. I am thankful for this knowledge.
I am thankful to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
