2018 Goals -- Part 2 -- Boundaries

In my last post I talked about authenticity being one of my goals going forward.

It has been something I struggled with during my faith crisis. and to be honest I will probably continue to have a few of those walls up as floods of messages came in telling me how sad they are for me, and how much they pity me. BUT I also got a flood of messages coming in of people telling me how much they loved me, not in spite of me leaving, but just because they know who I am as a person and my religion doesn't matter and never has. 

Boundaries is a big one that I have been struggling with my whole life. I have constantly let people over step my boundaries in ways I haven't actually been okay with, but I have either been to scared to enforce those boundaries or I was worried that person would feel like I was being uncaring and rude; a problem for me emotionally because i can't stand to have anyone feel like they are not cared for, or that I am rude. 

I have had many friends help me in learning about boundaries. Both those who have crossed them and I had to learn to cut them loose, and those who have called me out when they know I am not enforcing them. 

The biggest example of this is me in the adoption world. You guys, I have so much love for adoption. It is a MASSIVE part of my life. I wouldn't be sitting at this computer typing these words if it wasn't for adoption. When I started blogging, I started because I had so many emotions and I have always processed my emotions through writing. I wasn't ever in a million years expecting readers to actually read my blog. I started going to conferences, and birth mom activities. I started creating retreats and other events. Because when I was surrounded by these people, by some of you reading this, I felt heard and understood. I felt loved and cared about. I felt whole for just a split second. And a good majority of those I met because of adoption are still my best friends. 

The only problem with completely engulfing myself in this world was that I started to lose all sense of boundaries. I welcomed birth moms in my home, some of which were amazing experiences, while others stole from me or it turned sour. But the main issue was always that I would drop anything to drive them somewhere, I would spend money I didn't have to help them. I also would message 10-100 birth moms a day talking to them about their problems. The only thing is, I noticed that few if any asked me about mine. I just threw myself completely into adoption without any regard for my self. My friend Desha, and a few others saw the stress this was causing me, and after much internal fighting with myself, I ditched my old Facebook and made a new Facebook page. 

I didn't get the new Facebook because I hated helping people, I didn't do it because I hated adoption. I did it because I needed to. I had to. I had to take back my life and my boundaries. 

Ever since then, I have been working hard to do some type of self care regularly. 

I stopped limiting myself on Jessa time and because of that beautiful things came about

Retreats started to become easier to come by and plan. 

I started focusing on my true friendships and growing in those. 

Traveling and Concerts and Staycations have become a regular thing for me and I come back every time feeling refreshed and ready to conquer. 

I took control of my mental health and started seeing an incredible therapist. 

I built a beautiful relationship with God. 

and I just became more engaged in the career I love and with my family. 

boundaries will always be something I struggle with. Every time I fight with someone, or an acquaintance ends, or a friendship fades...I harp on it. I overthink it. I cry about it. But it is okay, because at least I know who my true friends are, I know I am whole and taken care of , and I feel better. 

I love my friends. I am endlessly and completely loyal to them. They are my rock through so many trials and tough situations. But because I focus on quality over quantity, my life has been greatly enriched and blessed tremendously. 

So here is to Boundaries!! 

2018 Goals -- Part 1

Been thinking and pondering a lot about what my goals for 2018 will be. Yah there is the usual “i need to eat better, and be better at picking my clothes off the bathroom floor” But this year i wanted to pick a character based goal. 

It’s no secret i have no problem speaking my mind. But one thing i greatly struggle with is being full authentic with the small parts of my life. Some people already know about my journey these past two years, but i feel all the private messages and questions i’m getting would be better in black and white for everyone to see.

The Mormon church is an incredibly special thing in my life. It gave me a great moral background and a lot of fun activities growing up. I loved (and still love the memories) of Girls Camp, OakCrest, Youth Conference and Pioneer Trek. My parents used those values to teach me the value of service, compassion, and loving other people. I met many friends because of the Mormon church. 

I haven't gone to church but a few times in the last couple years. I didn't stop going because of John Dehlin or issues with church history. That just wasn't the case for me. (Although I don't think people who stop going because of that are wrong). I didn't stop going to church because I was offended. I stopped going to church because of how it made me feel. 

As shared in my previous post, I went through some really interesting experiences as a 14 year old. After that, the church for me was tainted emotionally. Anytime I walked into a church building after that, I felt shame and unworthiness rush over my body like a giant tidal wave. I tried so hard though to keep going, maintain faithfulness, and do what I was supposed to. I worked hard to become worthy, I got married in the temple, I blessed my children, I converted friends. I did it all. Yet, the pangs of unworthiness and shame still remained deep within me. Anxiety and panic setting in every time. I decided to take a break. 

A break I took. I didn't do anything wild. I just chose to not go to church. I went to other churches but they didn't feel right either. One took God out of the equation completely, one was fire and brimstone, one was just a little loud for my taste. I began to feel discouraged - I love Christ. I love my Heavenly Father. I love scriptures and the stories they have to offer, and I don't really care if they are historical, they to me still represent wonderful stories of how to be a good person. I wanted to find something where I could still worship God, I wanted a community, but most of all I just wanted to feel completely accepted for being unabashedly me. 

I started seeking God. Not just in a religious sense, but in a personal sense. I started attending a Christian church and things changed for me a little. I was able to hear of God. I didn't feel pressure to be a certain way, or be a certain person. I didn't feel judged about my career. I was just an awesome mom who loved Christ and wanted to feel his love. 

Something in me in the last year has changed. I am happier. I am emotionally lighter. I am more confident. I am no longer weighted down by intense shame. I am worthy. I am worthy. And I am able to tell people to their face when questioned, Just because my happiness and fulfillment does not come from the LDS church right now (or possibly ever) does not in any way diminish your happiness and fulfillment from your religion or faith. We are all brothers an sisters just trying to find what keeps us happy and fulfilled. 

So this year I am going to be authentic. I am going to be me. I am not going to apologize for things that make you "sad for me" or make you uncomfortable. Deal with it or don't. What I really hope and wish for is that you can see that I am very happy. That my faith in Christ and most importantly MYSELF is stronger and more brilliant than it ever has been. 

In the light of Authenticity, here are my confessions/declarations that I need you to know. 

1. I Love Christ, My Heavenly Father, and I believe very strongly in a higher power. I have had so many experiences that mean so much to me, that I have a hard time every disputing the fact that there is a higher power. And If you don't believe in the same higher power, or a higher power at all, I don't care. I love you. Not in spite of your choices of worship or lack there of, but because of who you are. 

2. I have tattoos. I actually have quite a few. And, I am not ashamed of them. In fact, they boost my confidence. They are beautiful. They mean something to me. They mean a lot to me. I will probably get more tattoos. There are people who have asked me to keep them covered around them, and I will continue doing that as best as I can out of respect. But It is me, it is my body. 

3. I am a huge supporter and serious ally of the LGBTQ community. I realize it has its own complications for people. But I really just love everyone. If I don't like a person, its because of who they are as a person, or because I don't jive with them, not because of their sexual orientation. Within this confession or declaration I am also telling you that I am bisexual. It is something few people know. But I don't really care anymore. It is a part of me. No, it is not a choice. No, that does not mean I am attracted to a bunch of women. This is just how I am wired. It is who I am and I can't really change that. Trust me, Ive tried. lol. 

Lastly (for today, cuz who i am kidding lol)

4. Being a working mom is not something I do because I have to. It is something I do because I want to. I am soooooo proud of my career. I am proud of being a working member of society. It gives me purpose. I love and cherish the fact that I am the breadwinner of the family. I love that I am teaching my daughter she can do ANYTHING she sets her mind to. That you don't have to have formal training in something if you are willing to learn and to hustle. I want my son to know it is okay to support women in their dreams and in their careers. It is more than okay, its awesome. Being a stay at home mom were some of the darkest times in my life. Days of sitting on the couch, being so incredibly depressed and hating my life. Not engaging with my children at all. Now, I get up in the morning, I talk to my kids and get them ready. I tell them I love them about a million times. When I come home, I am engaged. I take them to experience things, to do things, to enjoy this life they are living. I read them books, I cuddle, I get on the floor and play with them. They are happy kids. they are loved kids, and they know they are loved. I am not ashamed of having a career. I also do not think having a career makes me better than those that Stay at home. I think they are amazing humans and there are those who were just meant to be stay at home moms and thrive in that role. 

So there is me, writing a journal entry/blog/answering questions. Next one will be on why boundaries are hard for me :) 

Love who you are. Be who you are. Unashamed. 

Know Better. Do Better. -- LDS Worthiness Interviews and Lay Clergy

TL;DR -- Listen to THIS PODCAST and think about signing THIS Petition

I have talked about this publicly before. And I am not trying to beat a dead horse, but this needs to be said and it NEEDS to be talked about. 

I am not the only one this has happened to. And this doesn't just happen to "those types of people". This is also not because bishops are bad men. This is a practice issue. This is a culture issue, and authority issue. This is an education issue. Also, the following article is not a dig on my parents, nor is it a dig on the church. It is a know better, do better call to action. 

At 14 years old, I was accused of something horrific. At that time in my life, I was a compulsive liar when it came to my parents because my anxiety leaves me with an intense fear of disapproval. So, there were moments that I lied, even when I didn’t have to because I was scared. Not because my parents beat me, but because I love my parents so much I want their extreme approval for everything. So this horrific accusation, made by some family, was not what they were making it out to be. I was immediately blamed for it, being the older child in the situation, and my life fell apart before my eyes.

I lost one side of my family completely. They rarely if ever talk to me, and when they do, they are superficial and forced. It killed me because this side of my family was the side of family connection I craved the most at this time in my life. I felt completely pushed aside by all of them.

Then, I was forced to go the bishop. Where I sat alone with a 50 something year old man, and he asked me some pretty gross, personal, and inappropriate (in my opinion) questions. This same bishop also told me that I could never actually truly be forgiven in this life and It was up to God on whether he wanted to forgive me when I passed onto the next life. He told me that our lives would play on a big screen in front of everyone and they would all see the disgusting choices I have made. He then disfellowshipped me, which is a very public and shaming punishment for such a young child. At this age, church was everything to me. It was all I knew. Now I had to ignore the sacrament, refuse the request for prayers and talks, then I was released from my calling in Young Women’s. For a teenager, a young teenager, your life may as well be over.

Following that you see my journal (following are actual excerpts) in a matter of weeks go from

“I am so excited for mutual tonight” and “Ward choir today was so amazing”

To

“I will never be able to get married in the temple now” and “I am a horrible person, no wonder my parents hate me”

I found these journal entries the other day, while going through my memory book. I cried through the whole last half of it. It is heart breaking. Throughout this journal, You can see all the things I loved, but you could also see that my anxiety was just taking over my life little by little and I didn’t know at the time, what that was or how to deal with it.

I describe myself in my journal many times as Jessa 1 and Jessa 2, while this may seem scary to some and slightly schizophrenic, what it actually was, was my way of explaining that when my anxiety took over I became a completely different person and when I came out of that anxious state I would feel self-loathing, remorseful, and suicidal. At 14 I mentioned suicide MANY times in my journal, saying how easy it would be for my parents and family if I left, because I was constantly being told I was the cause for all contention, so why live.

I wasn’t a perfect child by any means and will never claim to be, but I was also very deep in a mental illness called anxiety that I didn’t know how to control or even what it was.

While you may think that "this is not a widely run issue, and this doesn't happen often." And you may also think "It is her fault for being a problem teen" STOP. LISTEN.

This is common. It happens all the time. I find it so odd that members use the justification of "Well they are just men, doing their best, trying to help." EXACTLY. They are just men. They are not professional counselors. They are not sexual experts. They are mailmen, businessmen, accountants, etc. They do not and should not have the authority to talk to young children or ANYONE for that matter about sexual practices. It is just setting our children up for situations they should not be in.

Members see these men as some of the utmost authority in our wards and religion. As a child/teen/adult we sometimes have a hard time seeing the line blurring of appropriate/inappropriate. I didn't even question the questions my bishop asked me, because he was a man of God, he must be asking me these questions because God told him to.

Here are my pleas to you.

1. Don't allow your children to go into an interview alone with a bishop, young women's leader, or stake president alone EVER. You just shouldn't.

2. If you choose to allow your teens and children to still go to these interviews alone. At the very least, you better educate them. You tell them what is appropriate and what is not. We spend so much time teaching your children what is appropriate with the law of chastity. We forget to tell our children what is appropriate/inappropriate to be asked from a bishop. And if it is uncomfortable, its probably inappropriate. If it is anything more than are you worthy, its probably inappropriate.

3. For the love of all that is holy. Stop the shame cycle. I really in my heart believe pornography is a yucky thing. But I also believe and have read many research showing that the reason why so many Mormon men have become addicted to it is because of Shame. Masturbation IS natural. Read any number of scientific journals on it. It is normal. What is not normal? Excessive masturbation, using materials to aid in masturbation. Those are what we should be worried about.

I truly hope that even if one person can learn from my story, or so many others, we can stop this. Together we can change this and fix it.

Who I am

While I realize I have spent the last 28 years figuring out who I am, I have spent the last 2 years REALLY discovering who i am.

At 26 years old, I was working what I thought was my dream job, Running a successful non-profit that meant the absolute world to me, and just all in all ecstatic to be alive. I knew who my friends were, and what they meant to me. 

Later that year, my world completely changed. My husband's mental health went down the drain, one of my "best friends" destroyed any sense of trust I had in humanity, and I was put into the behavioral health unit for daily horrific panic attacks. I quit my job (slightly because I felt obligated because of said "best friend" and slightly because 24 hr/day adoption was too much for me), and I started fresh. I began once a week therapy and leaned on a very small inner circle. I had to soul search, REALLY search.What I knew was that I loved my family, my non profit was important to me, and that I needed better boundaries. The question for myself came on how to do that. 

I had forgotten a little bit about what my ultimate goal with my non profit was. That was to help birth parents. Help them grieve, help them feel loved, and to know they weren't alone. I decided to take it slow. Planning just one retreat at a time, and being conservative and careful. I put up so many walls, even my very closest friends and family were held at arms distance. 

What I found was, people still wanted the retreats, they still found out about the retreats, and they still came to the retreats. I realized that although I was not a perfect person, my heart was still in it and still the same old overly compassionate and empathic me. 

I found my love with e-commerce and marketing and had fun with my inner circle. I learned the hard way that this life is about quality not quantity. I decided to start really participating in my life for me, not just for others. I took one vacation every month that year, and it was G L O R I O U S. I was starting to remember what made me laugh, what made me cry, and what I was about. 

I got really sick, and my close and loving friends banded together to support me through it all. I started to realize that I had left many old friends in the dust and that made my heart hurt. I started to reconnect with them and with what mattered. 

That year included many tough blows, but also many amazing miracles and moments. 

While I realize this post is so far discombobulated, I needed to write it for cathartic reasons. 

I am Jessalynn. 

I am beautiful. While I may not be as thin as I'd like to be, or as graceful as I wish, I am beautiful. 

I have a good heart. One thing that has never changed about me is that ultimately I will always put others above myself. ALWAYS. I will make every move possible to ensure someone's happiness. However, my heart now has some more boundaries, where I make sure that I am protected. The boundaries don't change the fact that I love others fiercely and loyally. I feel their pain and feel their joy. I want to always be someone others can turn to. 

I have a voice. A voice that matters. 

I am a mother. My children need me, but I need them more. They are everything to me. 

I am spiritual. I believe in God deeply. I know he is there for me and he hears me. 

I love adoption and I will continue my non profit as long as I remain able. I am still currently able due to many angel friends (and some unicorn ones) who also felt passionate about my work. 

Through all of this, I have so much more to discover, so much more to learn. 

My second reason for writing this post was to say, 

If I have offended you, I am sorry.

If you have questions, you can ask. 

If you need me, I am here. 

If you question me, that is fine, I am trying and learning and becoming a better me.




p.s. shoutout to my kick ass therapist, friends, family, and animals. You da hero. 

Hindsight

the other day i was driving my kids to an appointment. i reached back and grabbed something for Mina, then i realized i could have gotten in an accident. 

this triggered me into remembering a time when my mom was single. i remember she reached back into the backseat for something and we crashed. 

it got me really thinking... my mom was single, she didn't have expendable income, that crash must have been really stressful for my mom. i don't know if she cried after it all or during i don't remember that. 

but i wonder if she did. 

i wonder if she just wished for someone to give her a hug to calm her down as she did for me and my sister. someone to tell her it would be okay and make her believe it, if only for a moment.

i wonder if she sat pouring over her checkbook wondering how she was going to afford to get a new car if it was totaled. 

i wonder if she was worried how she would cover the medical bills for her whiplash.

i wonder what else was on her mind that day that was already stressing her out, and the crash was the straw that broke the camel's back. 

i wonder how she made it through all she did and still held her head high. 

just so many things i didn't even realize she must be going through when i was so young. i just was. i was just me, living my kid life, playing outside, making plays and talent shows with my sister.

so many times i am stressed. stressed to my limit. 

how will i keep on working from home while juggling 2 kids?

how will i deal with the health issues?

how will i make it through this miscarriage?

how will i ever raise my kids to be functional adults if i myself don't feel like one?

but i know. there is something to be said about unconditional love and trying your best. they are alive, they are fed, they are loved. loved so so much. 

yes, i know. 

the kids, will be okay.

And Cheer Our Cougars of BYU

Guys. My sister Kylie graduates today. Well she is actually graduating RIGHT NOW. ... and Chad too, I love him but this post is not about him...love you Chad :)

Kylie is my sister...junior by 3 years. 

We went through a lot of traumatic events our first few years of life. It wasn't easy for her from the time she was born. But she was loved. 

When she was 6 (i think. I am so bad at dates) She was diagnosed with something scary. It was called Chiari One Malformation, its not a joke. Seriously READ IT! We were all scared. The doctor told us she shouldn't have been able to be doing stuff like gymnastics and dance which she was doing very well. I remember my parents spent a lot of time at the hospital with her (Yay Primary's!). I remember visiting her and being so scared that something was wrong and she wouldn't be okay (Boo Anxiety) 

But she was. Her face was a little fat for a while, but we won't hold that against her on the account of her B R A I N ----- S U R G E R Y!

So anyways, Fat face Kylie turned into cute Kylie. 

Although there was that one time that she was talking to herself in the bathroom, saying, I'm not a chicken nugget, YOU'RE a chicken nugget...Weirdo

We grew up acting out plays, making ridiculous videos on the video camera, playing at the Draper pool, going on roadtrips every summer, flying out once a year to see my dad and experience cool life things. We have experienced 1 divorce, 2 remarriages, 7 more siblings, several moves, and more. 

We have done a lot. 

I was a hard person to live with, and because of that I wasn't always the best sister. I struggled with what I now know is severe anxiety disorder, but i didn't know how to control it. This meant that Kylie had to deal with my grand psycho-ness all the time. I hate that. But she managed to still live with me. 

As long as I can remember my sister has always wanted to go to BYU. She studied hard in high school, she got the grades, she got in and left for college. She has had a rough couple years in college dealing with various personal issues. But she got through them. She didn't give up, even though there are times I know she wanted to. In the middle of that she got married to Chad (oh hey again Chad). They got a dog named Piper. NOW they are finally graduating!!! I am so proud of her! 

Kylie is an incredible aunt and an awesome person! She is very passionate about what she does. She supports me in my open adoption. She loves my kids, sometimes probably more than me. I am beaming with pride and joy to introduce you to the newest graduates of BYU!!! (yes, even you Chad)

Why we should SHUT UP about other's bodies...

I love to get together and talk with my girlfriends. I will admit honestly that it hasn't always been the nicest conversations either. We gossip about mutual friends sometimes, and that is not okay. It is my 2015 goal to no longer do this needless gossiping. No one is perfect, we all need to vent, but it is mean.

What bothers me more than gossiping is gossiping about other's bodies. This I  r e a l l y shy from for a few reasons. 1. My body is not what the world says it should be and I have no reason to make fun of anyone else. 2. I used to work at an eating disorder clinic where I saw girls and women struggle EVERY DAY with their bodies even though in the world's eyes they were gorgeous women. They all had their own stories to tell of how their eating disorders started by being bullied, their parents' comments, media, etc. All reasons had to do with one time or another, someone telling them how their body should look.

I believe in being healthy, which is something I really have to strive every day for. For some reason I love crappy food and I work on it EVERY SECOND of the day to resist it.  It has always been a struggle. I have been through endometriosis, the trauma of placing a child, having two children shortly after, and many bouts of depression, to top it all off my genes are terrible. "Excuses" I know, but to me they are very real "excuses"

A few weeks ago I had someone who I would consider close criticize my weight within ear shot.

Things like:

 She looks P R E G N A N T

Her legs look fine but her stomach...

Her face is chubby

She  just looks HUGE

She will struggle her WHOLE life being fat.

Yes person (that I can no longer stand to think about with crying or feeling rage), I am bigger than I should be and is publicly "acceptable". Yes my stomach is very bloated. I struggle with things like IBS and Endometriosis that certainly don't help with that, but mostly I struggle with social eating. Yes  I will struggle my whole life. 

BUT

You don't need to say it. I don't need you to. You don't get to say that. My body is NOT your body. 

What if she had chosen another topic, like the weather or who got the latest rose on the Bachelor? Would I be hurt at this point in time? Would it have absolutely destroyed any last ounce of self confidence I had? No. I would of continued about these last few weeks, fighting my demons and still finding a little bit of beauty when I took the time to get cute, and to feel proud instead of discouraged when I chose a protein shake over waffles in the morning. 

I understand we are the masters of our own happiness, I am striving to find my happy regardless of the above conversation. But we also have the chance to be contributors to someone else's happiness rather than discouragement. We have the choice to build others up rather than tear them down. 

Since that conversation, when I see food, I seriously get terrible anxiety, i watch if others are watching me, I generally come close to tears or do actually cry... All because someone felt the need to criticize me..out LOUD. In ear shot. 

So let's do what Ellen says at the end of each show, " BE KIND TO ONE ANOTHER"

We have so much power to do good and lift others up. We have power to be the change. 

About this girl they call Mina.

Mina turns Three today! THREE!!!! 

Where has my little girl gone. 

I remember when she looked like this: 

my itty bitty 7lb 11oz babe. 

I could never imagine her growing into THIS GIRL:

A girl who is OBSESSED with daddy. He is her "buddy" Mommy is her "baby" but Daddy is her "Buddy". She loves to do things with him. She gets so excited when he comes home! 

Mina loves music and loves her aunts and uncles. This is from when she got to see her Uncle play in the marching band! Mina's current favorite songs are Boom Clap, Shake it Off, Ain't it Fun, and Madness.

Mina loves to be outside. She loves Water. She loves to help mow the lawn and chase grasshoppers.

Mina loves to wear socks on her hands. She calls them her Guh-loves. a LOT of nights she wants to wear them to bed. She will go to the grocery store in them and everything. I am glad she is unique and quirky. I wouldn't have it any other way.

My beautiful baby turning into a beautiful young girl. 

her current favorite words/phrases:

For example

Nannylicious (my mom)

Grandude (my dad)

___, you are so great, good  choice

___ you are beautiful

Evan is my brudder? or is he my sister? 

No Evbot, you wittle stinkhead

her current favorite movies/ shows:

SuperWhy

Nightmare Before Christmas

 (random note, I hadn't seen this in years, Izzy showed it to her and now she is OBSESSED with this movie.)

Clifford

Despicable Me 2

Wreck-It Ralph

Up

Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs

her favorite books:

Good Night Gorilla

Anything Dr Seuss

Anything Eric Carle

Five little monkeys

Anything with trucks in it

Happy 3rd Mina Mooseph.

Reference 2009-Present

While bitten by the blogging bug I'm going to add one more post. Actually, I'm doing this because it's almost 3pm and my kids are still asleep so I have some time to myself. I'm going to write about my wife because I don't think many people have heard my side of our relationship and I can brag about her accomplishments for her. Lets face it, we all know that people who talk about their own accomplishments are narcissistic d-bags that toot their own horn one too many times. Plus, I'm pretty quiet and reserved and up until now readers are probably like, "what?! Jessa has a husband, I've heard of him but never seen him or knew he really existed." Well, these questions can be answered because I'm only slightly overshadowed by my social pariah of a wife. Plus, I'm like a dog who only comes out of kennel when someone says the word "frisbee."

But joking aside (joking not fully aside) if you know Jessa, and I'd like to believe I kind of know her now after six years of being together, then you know she is the real deal. I'm writing this now because of her nose to the grindstone tenacious work ethic. Jessa knows how to hustle. She has been presented with a fantastic opportunity that she earned by working her butt off. Not only that but an opportunity that she feels will make a difference in other peoples' lives. 

I met Jessa almost six years ago when she helped push my brother's car out of a snowy ditch. Even then she was making a difference in two people's lives, namely, mine and my hard of hearing brother. To make a long story short I fell in love with an incredible woman and birth mother. Little did I know that being a birth mother was/is as much a part of her as being human. It is characteristic that makes up Jessa's personality. Jessa is probably the most genuinely caring and giving person I have ever met. I'm not kidding when I write this, If Jessa could she would adopt every baby or child in foster care. Countless times when I have come home from school or work there has been a new animal that she found without an owner. I have made her get rid of the animal every time but if I'm to be honest with myself, I really do love that about her. She wants everyone to have a loving home. Even the most pathetic, sickly, and ugliest of Gods four legged creatures to ever walk the face of the earth deserve a loving home. Jessa and I have also had people live with us for most of our marriage. I'm not talking about our kids, I'm talking about vagrant wanderers that were competent enough to put an add on craigslist (that was a joke). Our doors have been open for tenants since 2009. She is always willing to help someone out and loves to do it.

Jessa jokes with me that I am a better stay at home parent that she is but it's not true. Yes, I am very much a helicopter parent and am borderline obsessive compulsive about cleanliness but she is a fantastic mother to our children. Jessa loves to play with our kids and probably buys them a toy most every time they go to the store because she can't say "no". I can't really say it either, kids just have that effect on parents. Jessa's list of accomplishments are vast, five years military service, birth mother, mother of two, advocate of open adoption, plethora of business ventures, and the greatest accomplishment of all, she married one cynical sarcastic individual. 

I just wanted to post this because I'm very proud of your accomplishments and you deserve this new job. You earned it and worked your butt off for it. I don't really know if people think about gender rolls often but I'm comfortable being a stay at home dad for the next little while. I still have more schooling to finish up and you sacrificed a lot by dropping out of college to raise our kids so that I could finish my degree. Even that didn't stop you from chasing your passions with adoption advocacy. So congrats Jessa and thanks for being patient with me, I know this past year was a tough one for you. Cheers, here's to sunny souther California and the next adventure that awaits. All my love!

Homage to Logan

Although this blog began when Jessa and I were first married this is my first ever blog post. It has been a long time coming. I have never done this before and this post is really for meant to be a memory for myself and hopefully Jessa will enjoy. I apologize for those that follow Jessa and those that are used to her writing style, I don't have a clear direction for this so it might get a little off track and disjointed. So now that I have made clear how my audience is I want to try to compose some things that really capture my love for the city of Logan. I will attempt to write more about Logan itself and some things that I have come to love.

I moved to Logan in January 2009 from Portland, OR to start school at USU. I thought Logan was a quiet little city and much more rural than I was accustomed to. I have spent the last five years of my life here and when I look back it's crazy how different my life is now compared to that single kid clear back in '09. I didn't know it but I met my wife two months after moving here. Believe me there will be a separate blog post about my wife and her accomplishments soon. Living in Logan in the winter really helped me to find my inner snowboard bum self. I didn't do very well my freshman year of school so I decided to spend three days a week at Beaver Mt. instead. So, besides winter activities what else is there to do in Logan? EAT! That's right, I have never seen more restaurants per capita in my life. I feel that this post would be amiss if I didn't give a shout out to some of the local eateries in Cache Valley. God bless the Tandoori Oven, it honestly looks like an after thought as it is connected to a gas station on 1000 N tucked away near campus. Don't be fooled Jessa and I have a fond love for this place and my compliments to the chefs', you will be sorely missed when we move. The rest of these good eats are in no particular order but must be mentioned. Herm's Inn, La Tormenta, El Salvador, Callaway's, Elements, Charlie's ice cream, Takara sushi, Romo's, and Firehouse, you had me at fahzookie. Logan has some great local eats and I will miss them dearly.

Cache Valley is home to a pretty awesome ultimate frisbee community. I have always loved playing sports but my love for ultimate grew ten fold once moving to Logan. I will miss the USULT team and the great ultimate community. Plus, Logan is a beautiful backdrop to huck some disc around.

 The mountains that surround the valley are gorgeous. Logan does a fairly good farmer's market every summer to boot. I have really enjoyed the local cheese and produce from this valley. Gossner's dairy has also become a regular in our household.

Well, to wrap up let me say "thank you" Logan. There is a lot more I could say about Logan but it's hard to sum up my last five years of my life here. It has been in eventful five years of my life. I met my wife, worked at a job I have really come to enjoy, both my kids were born here, all of our pets are from here, I've met some of my dearest friends here, some of the most stressful and tragic events have happened here, the greatest joys and happiest moments of my life have also happened here as well. I'm excited for the next step our family's life and thanks for a great five years Logan, keep it real.

I didn't wait til marriage to lose my virginity, and I wish I had

I keep seeing this post go around about a girl who waited to lose her virginity. While I agree with some points in the article (I.e sex made out to be shameful and guilt ridden) for the most part, I don't.

I didn't wait to have sex. I had sex with someone I thought I loved and would love me back forever. I lost my virginity at 18 years old. I knew it was something I wasn't supposed to be doing because of my religion and the morals I had been taught, but I did it anyway. Why? Because if he loves me then it's okay.

Further down the road, I was an 18 year old girl who was pregnant. At 18 I didn't even know which way was up half the time. I had to make grown up choices, because I made the grown up naive choice to have unprotected sex. I chose to place that baby for adoption and it was equally the worst, hardest, most beautiful experience of my life.

Further down that road, I met a man. A man I really did love. A man I wanted to spend forever with. He was willing to accept me, he was willing to love me, even though I had already lost my virginity and had a baby.

The problem was every time we had sex I enjoyed it, but then afterwards all I could think about was how I hadn't waited. One time early on in our marriage I had a pain "down there", I was sure it was an std. It wasn't. But it was the first thing that popped into my mind.

I was and still am, emotionally connected to the person I chose to have sex with, and the person I had a baby with. I have a part of me that is emotionally unavailable to my husband, that isn't fair. It isn't fair to me and it isn't fair to my husband.

So while I think sex shouldn't be taught as a shameful thing, I do believe in teaching women it has emotional consequences. I do believe in teaching girls it is best to wait. 

I lost my virginity before I was married and I so so wish I hadn't.

Nostalgia.

These past few weeks I have been going through a period of NOSTALGIA.

In two months it will be Josie's 6th birthday. 

6 years ago and 2 months ago today:

 i had just placed a baby girl into the arms of her loving family. 

6 years and 2 months ago today:

 i was in complete and utter shock. 

6 years and 2 months ago today:

i was in my dorm room, crying my eyes out, 

trying to figure out how to muster through the heartbreak of my newfound birth mom hood. 

This is me while I was pregnant. Single, pregnant, living in a college town, I was ashamed I was pregnant and single, I was never ashamed of my sweet babe. I was proud of her. I knew she was going to be special. I knew she was going to do good things. 

^^ This is me, doing what college kids do, having the time of my life.^^

^^ This is me, a day before I had Josie. Not knowing that my earth was going to be shattered just a short time later^^

^^ This is me with J. In Love. In Pain. In Confusion. In Heartbreak. In Awe. ^^

^^This is me. Fighting through tears. Trying to pretend for everyone I was okay^^

^^ This is me. A few days after. My Best friend's attempt to make me smile. It worked. If only for a short while.^^

The struggle is real my friends. I have been so emotional. Struggling so badly this past month. I know this birthday has hit me the hardest so far. I love that baby girl. I do not regret my decision. But that doesn't change the fact that things are hard on me emotionally. I still can cry, even if I don't regret it.

One thing hasn't changed:

^^ This girl is still my best friend. I can call her for anything. She gets me. She went through it all with me. She knows everything about the situation. And understands my emotions.^^

And some things DO change:

^^I have these goons to take care of me. To love me. To see me through. ^^

All of these memories, these experiences, I am grateful for them. I always will be. They made me who I am today. "There is always gonna be a part of me that is sloppy, that is dirty, with all the other parts of me. And I like that. " Experiences are what make us. Memories are what help us. 

Love is what gets us through. 

Getting Bigger Everyday

MINA ALYSON

Mina is now 2.5. 

*Her favorite foods are Bratwurst, Pizza, Salad, Watermelon, And Strawberries

*Her favorite activity is to play outside in the pool or swing in the hammock. She also loves to give the dogs a bath and read books. 

*Her favorite book is Barnyard Dance, Happy Hippo/Angry Duck, and The Very Busy Spider.

*Her favorite songs are Happy, Ain't It Fun, Let It go, and Madness

*Her favorite Tv show is STILL Yo Gabba Gabba, But she will now watch Blues Clues.

*Her favorite Movie is Frozen. We know it word for word. 

She can Count to ten, kinda say the alphabet, almost name all her colors, and say her full name.

She has a lot of the songs on the radio memorized, all her favorite books memorized, and she quotes movies all the time. 

She has a love/dislike relationship with Evan. She will hug him one minute and beat him up the next. 

Her phrases as of late:

Yahhhh Buddy

I got Two ems (two of them)

Daddy is a buddy

You are annoying me

I'll Show Ya (from UP)

Somebody's Gonna Die Tonight (Despicable Me 2)

No! I'll do it. 

I don't want to daddy.

You have to work Thursday?

It's 2:56 a clock

Also side note. Mina wears socks on her hands EVERYWHERE! For realsies….she calls them her 2 guhloves. If we do not have them, she loses it and throws a major tantrum. 

EVAN

Evan is 11 Months (on the 30th)

His Favorite foods are Sweet Potatoes, Peaches, Prunes, and anything he finds on the floor crawling around. He also really likes watermelon and strawberries. 

His Favorite Activity is to crawl in the grass, swing in the hammock, and make mom carry him everywhere. 

Evan is a cuddly dude. He just wants to be cuddled all the time. 

He can crawl.

Pull himself up.

Feed himself finger foods.

Stick his tongue out. 

Sit up in the bathtub by himself. 

He isn't talking just yet because he is a little delayed due to him being deaf for most of his short life. But now that he is hearing he is starting to babble a lot more and i expect him to start saying words sooner rather than later. He is also close to cruising and maybe walking. 

This kid is seriously the happiest kid in the world. I don't even know what to say but i hit the jackpot. 

Dear Single Dad Laughing:

I feel your pain. I do.

I once was single. and pregnant, then placed my daughter for adoption. 

I was "unworthy" for a LONG period of time. 

I missed a lot of my friends weddings, adoption sealings, and what not. 

But THIS article. This made my stomach hurt. I love your blog. I think it is hilarious. Every time you write another article I sit up in bed and laugh my butt off. This article though, I think it was just bad. 

I understand what it is like to be left out. I understand how it feels to be a little angry towards God, The bishop, the ward, whomever you choose. No one likes to be told they aren't "special enough" or "worthy enough", No one enjoys being excluded. 

Your article reached a new level of bashing, rude, and downright mean in my opinion. If you were once apart of the church you know that for the most part, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day saints are good people, filled with good hearts. Just as Catholics, Jewish, Baptist, Seventh-Day, Evangelical, etc. The LDS faith focuses on service, love, and family. I got married in the temple. I had to go through the church court, the interviews, everything to get there; but i made it. I loved every minute of it. I sat across the alter from my husband and we were married for time and all eternity. 

Guess what? The church did pay millions for the temples. They do get that money from tithing, but they also get that money from businesses they run. They are self sufficient. You know what else the church has done for me? They paid my rent when i was going to be evicted, they paid for groceries when I had no food, and they helped me find a job when i got laid off. ALL while I was unable to PASS THE QUESTIONS. 

So they have the temple that is sacred and separate. That is their right. Unfortunately it does leave people out, but that is their right. 

You like to get personal so I will too, I have someone very close to me going through a faith crisis. He is the one man I love more than anything in the world. He isn't so sure how he feels about things in the church anymore. He had to miss my sisters wedding, he had to miss our closest friend's wedding. The crazy thing is, No one was upset or appalled by him. They loved him. They hugged him. They invited him into the pictures. It isn't people pretending they care about you (at least in my experience, if it is your experience…you need new family and friends) They genuinely loved him and missed him being there. They are happy you are there to celebrate anyways. 

Here is something I think you were unaware of, as I just became aware of it. In the temple recommend interview, the question that is mostly end all beat all (unless you hate mormonism) Is " do YOU feel worthy" This is an INCREDIBLE question to put in. They are asking you what you think about yourself. They are asking you to take responsibility for yourself. I could not be happier that they chose to put this question into the interview. 

Your lifestyle is different from mine, It is very different. You expected everyone to jump off their seats and be loving and supportive of your new found bisexual lifestyle. Guess what? For the most part people did. But even more important is, shouldn't we Mormons expect the same from you? Can you not give us the same respect that our lifestyle is different? I love you and continue to read your blog even though you are gay, even though you have decided to not be Mormon anymore. Can I not expect the same from you? I thought I could. 

I encourage you to re examine how you talk about other religions so harshly. Because if this was an article about Gays. you would be all over that infuriated. Gays are a group of people, Mormons are a group of people. Not the same? Okay what if I wrote a seething article about confessional in the catholic church…then what? Same thing.

Let us be accepting. You have the right to be hurt. YES. You don't have the right to be mean. 

Springing into Summer!

Mina enjoyed Easter. She found candy and then ate it. That would be stellar for any two year old. Wes this year thought it would be rad to hide papers in the eggs and gave books to the children. The books were things like Barbara Bush's Biography. yah…not so stellar. 

Then we took our family pics on actual Easter Sunday. My kids are so cute, it kills me. 

It was my birthday and Richard's Birthday. We are May 3rd Twins. I love having someone who is always as excited about my birthday as I am :) 

Went to Tucanos with some of my favorite people!! It was so fun!! I love meat, and i love hanging out with friends so overall it was a wonderful day!

Mina is into picking out her outfits. She currently like snow boots even when 80 degrees outside. 

My sister in law send me my FAVORITE thing from Oregon (besides Burgerville, but I doubt that would last in the mail)

Desha came to visit and I was so happy!

The next week Alysia came! Brought friends for Mina and good times. 

Wes and I went to New York and DC. I will post a blog post about that soon!

I love my Mina Mooseph! She is learning her alphabet, colors, and numbers. She is really smart and blows my mind. 

Evan is turning 1 in July! he is getting so much better! He got tubes in his ears and everything changed for him. We found out he has been deaf and has LaryngoMalacia. He is able to imitate sounds, crawl, and now pull himself up!

Then to top off the awesomeness, I got a rad card from Josie for birth mother's day. notice how She is brown and I have jaundice. Also notice that she is taller than me. This is probably going to be accurate soon. That girl is growing like a weed! I love her so much!