Anxiety.

I have expressed a few times that I have anxiety. I have had it since I can remember.

This weekend in General Conference, Elder Holland gave an amazing talk about things like Depression and Anxiety. I have both of those. My anxiety is far worse than my depression. Both things bog my mind down constantly. 

Today I saw this link .

It does describe a lot of what I feel. 

At least once a day I get so anxious I can not even function. I zone out. All I hear is all the annoying thoughts and criticisms in my head. I get so overwhelmed by everything I am not doing, I can't do anything. 

I have destroyed many relationships because I don't like to be asked questions. Not because I am hiding anything. But for some reason questions make me feel trapped, like I can't escape. So when I was being questioned about something, even about what I did that day, I would freak out and lash out. It almost destroyed my marriage. 

I can't fall asleep very well. I sit and my mind reels about everything I didn't do that day, everything I need to do the next day, I wonder if I can hear someone breaking into my house,  I wonder if my children are breathing, I wonder if I will wake up the next day. It is awful. 

There have been times I cant cuddle with my husband because when he holds me I feel like I can't move and that freaks me out. Even though all I want to do is have him hold me. 

I struggle to use a hair dryer. I have to have the bathroom door closed and press my back against the door and away from the cupboard. This is because I am afraid someone will come and attack me, or I am afraid someone has stuffed a dead body in the cupboard and their hand is going to roll out and touch me while I am drying my hair. 

I am a logical person, but when you have anxiety, emotions take over. 

Well, a couple of months ago, my life changed for the better. 

My doctor recommended that I try Zoloft. My whole life I have been 100 percent against medication. I thought it was a way to excuse your behavior. For some reason, I decided to just try it for a month. 

The first week, I had more anxiety attacks then ever before. The second week, I started to realize it was getting better. In fact, it was weird for me. I was confused because all of a sudden I was able to focus on one thing at a time. I wasn't stressed. My teeth weren't clenched all the time. By the third week, I vowed to never stop taking Zoloft. 

It has made me a better person. My marriage has changed dramatically. Instead of crying 15 times a day, I maybe cry once a month. 

After the first month I asked Wes if he had noticed a difference, he responded with a resounding YES!

I know people don't like medications, I use to be one of them. But since I have been taking Zoloft my quality of life has gone up dramatically. I am able to handle life. I am able to get my house clean, I am able to cook dinner, I can play with my daughter. 

The pros far outweigh the cons or me. 

Anxiety no longer has a death grip on me, and for me that is enough.