Hindsight

the other day i was driving my kids to an appointment. i reached back and grabbed something for Mina, then i realized i could have gotten in an accident. 

this triggered me into remembering a time when my mom was single. i remember she reached back into the backseat for something and we crashed. 

it got me really thinking... my mom was single, she didn't have expendable income, that crash must have been really stressful for my mom. i don't know if she cried after it all or during i don't remember that. 

but i wonder if she did. 

i wonder if she just wished for someone to give her a hug to calm her down as she did for me and my sister. someone to tell her it would be okay and make her believe it, if only for a moment.

i wonder if she sat pouring over her checkbook wondering how she was going to afford to get a new car if it was totaled. 

i wonder if she was worried how she would cover the medical bills for her whiplash.

i wonder what else was on her mind that day that was already stressing her out, and the crash was the straw that broke the camel's back. 

i wonder how she made it through all she did and still held her head high. 

just so many things i didn't even realize she must be going through when i was so young. i just was. i was just me, living my kid life, playing outside, making plays and talent shows with my sister.

so many times i am stressed. stressed to my limit. 

how will i keep on working from home while juggling 2 kids?

how will i deal with the health issues?

how will i make it through this miscarriage?

how will i ever raise my kids to be functional adults if i myself don't feel like one?

but i know. there is something to be said about unconditional love and trying your best. they are alive, they are fed, they are loved. loved so so much. 

yes, i know. 

the kids, will be okay.