At 26 years old, I was working what I thought was my dream job, Running a successful non-profit that meant the absolute world to me, and just all in all ecstatic to be alive. I knew who my friends were, and what they meant to me.
Later that year, my world completely changed. My husband's mental health went down the drain, one of my "best friends" destroyed any sense of trust I had in humanity, and I was put into the behavioral health unit for daily horrific panic attacks. I quit my job (slightly because I felt obligated because of said "best friend" and slightly because 24 hr/day adoption was too much for me), and I started fresh. I began once a week therapy and leaned on a very small inner circle. I had to soul search, REALLY search.What I knew was that I loved my family, my non profit was important to me, and that I needed better boundaries. The question for myself came on how to do that.
I had forgotten a little bit about what my ultimate goal with my non profit was. That was to help birth parents. Help them grieve, help them feel loved, and to know they weren't alone. I decided to take it slow. Planning just one retreat at a time, and being conservative and careful. I put up so many walls, even my very closest friends and family were held at arms distance.
What I found was, people still wanted the retreats, they still found out about the retreats, and they still came to the retreats. I realized that although I was not a perfect person, my heart was still in it and still the same old overly compassionate and empathic me.
I found my love with e-commerce and marketing and had fun with my inner circle. I learned the hard way that this life is about quality not quantity. I decided to start really participating in my life for me, not just for others. I took one vacation every month that year, and it was G L O R I O U S. I was starting to remember what made me laugh, what made me cry, and what I was about.
I got really sick, and my close and loving friends banded together to support me through it all. I started to realize that I had left many old friends in the dust and that made my heart hurt. I started to reconnect with them and with what mattered.
That year included many tough blows, but also many amazing miracles and moments.
While I realize this post is so far discombobulated, I needed to write it for cathartic reasons.
I am Jessalynn.
I am beautiful. While I may not be as thin as I'd like to be, or as graceful as I wish, I am beautiful.
I have a good heart. One thing that has never changed about me is that ultimately I will always put others above myself. ALWAYS. I will make every move possible to ensure someone's happiness. However, my heart now has some more boundaries, where I make sure that I am protected. The boundaries don't change the fact that I love others fiercely and loyally. I feel their pain and feel their joy. I want to always be someone others can turn to.
I have a voice. A voice that matters.
I am a mother. My children need me, but I need them more. They are everything to me.
I am spiritual. I believe in God deeply. I know he is there for me and he hears me.
I love adoption and I will continue my non profit as long as I remain able. I am still currently able due to many angel friends (and some unicorn ones) who also felt passionate about my work.
Through all of this, I have so much more to discover, so much more to learn.
My second reason for writing this post was to say,
If I have offended you, I am sorry.
If you have questions, you can ask.
If you need me, I am here.
If you question me, that is fine, I am trying and learning and becoming a better me.
p.s. shoutout to my kick ass therapist, friends, family, and animals. You da hero.
p.s. shoutout to my kick ass therapist, friends, family, and animals. You da hero.
