2018 Goals -- Part 1

Been thinking and pondering a lot about what my goals for 2018 will be. Yah there is the usual “i need to eat better, and be better at picking my clothes off the bathroom floor” But this year i wanted to pick a character based goal. 

It’s no secret i have no problem speaking my mind. But one thing i greatly struggle with is being full authentic with the small parts of my life. Some people already know about my journey these past two years, but i feel all the private messages and questions i’m getting would be better in black and white for everyone to see.

The Mormon church is an incredibly special thing in my life. It gave me a great moral background and a lot of fun activities growing up. I loved (and still love the memories) of Girls Camp, OakCrest, Youth Conference and Pioneer Trek. My parents used those values to teach me the value of service, compassion, and loving other people. I met many friends because of the Mormon church. 

I haven't gone to church but a few times in the last couple years. I didn't stop going because of John Dehlin or issues with church history. That just wasn't the case for me. (Although I don't think people who stop going because of that are wrong). I didn't stop going to church because I was offended. I stopped going to church because of how it made me feel. 

As shared in my previous post, I went through some really interesting experiences as a 14 year old. After that, the church for me was tainted emotionally. Anytime I walked into a church building after that, I felt shame and unworthiness rush over my body like a giant tidal wave. I tried so hard though to keep going, maintain faithfulness, and do what I was supposed to. I worked hard to become worthy, I got married in the temple, I blessed my children, I converted friends. I did it all. Yet, the pangs of unworthiness and shame still remained deep within me. Anxiety and panic setting in every time. I decided to take a break. 

A break I took. I didn't do anything wild. I just chose to not go to church. I went to other churches but they didn't feel right either. One took God out of the equation completely, one was fire and brimstone, one was just a little loud for my taste. I began to feel discouraged - I love Christ. I love my Heavenly Father. I love scriptures and the stories they have to offer, and I don't really care if they are historical, they to me still represent wonderful stories of how to be a good person. I wanted to find something where I could still worship God, I wanted a community, but most of all I just wanted to feel completely accepted for being unabashedly me. 

I started seeking God. Not just in a religious sense, but in a personal sense. I started attending a Christian church and things changed for me a little. I was able to hear of God. I didn't feel pressure to be a certain way, or be a certain person. I didn't feel judged about my career. I was just an awesome mom who loved Christ and wanted to feel his love. 

Something in me in the last year has changed. I am happier. I am emotionally lighter. I am more confident. I am no longer weighted down by intense shame. I am worthy. I am worthy. And I am able to tell people to their face when questioned, Just because my happiness and fulfillment does not come from the LDS church right now (or possibly ever) does not in any way diminish your happiness and fulfillment from your religion or faith. We are all brothers an sisters just trying to find what keeps us happy and fulfilled. 

So this year I am going to be authentic. I am going to be me. I am not going to apologize for things that make you "sad for me" or make you uncomfortable. Deal with it or don't. What I really hope and wish for is that you can see that I am very happy. That my faith in Christ and most importantly MYSELF is stronger and more brilliant than it ever has been. 

In the light of Authenticity, here are my confessions/declarations that I need you to know. 

1. I Love Christ, My Heavenly Father, and I believe very strongly in a higher power. I have had so many experiences that mean so much to me, that I have a hard time every disputing the fact that there is a higher power. And If you don't believe in the same higher power, or a higher power at all, I don't care. I love you. Not in spite of your choices of worship or lack there of, but because of who you are. 

2. I have tattoos. I actually have quite a few. And, I am not ashamed of them. In fact, they boost my confidence. They are beautiful. They mean something to me. They mean a lot to me. I will probably get more tattoos. There are people who have asked me to keep them covered around them, and I will continue doing that as best as I can out of respect. But It is me, it is my body. 

3. I am a huge supporter and serious ally of the LGBTQ community. I realize it has its own complications for people. But I really just love everyone. If I don't like a person, its because of who they are as a person, or because I don't jive with them, not because of their sexual orientation. Within this confession or declaration I am also telling you that I am bisexual. It is something few people know. But I don't really care anymore. It is a part of me. No, it is not a choice. No, that does not mean I am attracted to a bunch of women. This is just how I am wired. It is who I am and I can't really change that. Trust me, Ive tried. lol. 

Lastly (for today, cuz who i am kidding lol)

4. Being a working mom is not something I do because I have to. It is something I do because I want to. I am soooooo proud of my career. I am proud of being a working member of society. It gives me purpose. I love and cherish the fact that I am the breadwinner of the family. I love that I am teaching my daughter she can do ANYTHING she sets her mind to. That you don't have to have formal training in something if you are willing to learn and to hustle. I want my son to know it is okay to support women in their dreams and in their careers. It is more than okay, its awesome. Being a stay at home mom were some of the darkest times in my life. Days of sitting on the couch, being so incredibly depressed and hating my life. Not engaging with my children at all. Now, I get up in the morning, I talk to my kids and get them ready. I tell them I love them about a million times. When I come home, I am engaged. I take them to experience things, to do things, to enjoy this life they are living. I read them books, I cuddle, I get on the floor and play with them. They are happy kids. they are loved kids, and they know they are loved. I am not ashamed of having a career. I also do not think having a career makes me better than those that Stay at home. I think they are amazing humans and there are those who were just meant to be stay at home moms and thrive in that role. 

So there is me, writing a journal entry/blog/answering questions. Next one will be on why boundaries are hard for me :) 

Love who you are. Be who you are. Unashamed.