Hindsight

the other day i was driving my kids to an appointment. i reached back and grabbed something for Mina, then i realized i could have gotten in an accident. 

this triggered me into remembering a time when my mom was single. i remember she reached back into the backseat for something and we crashed. 

it got me really thinking... my mom was single, she didn't have expendable income, that crash must have been really stressful for my mom. i don't know if she cried after it all or during i don't remember that. 

but i wonder if she did. 

i wonder if she just wished for someone to give her a hug to calm her down as she did for me and my sister. someone to tell her it would be okay and make her believe it, if only for a moment.

i wonder if she sat pouring over her checkbook wondering how she was going to afford to get a new car if it was totaled. 

i wonder if she was worried how she would cover the medical bills for her whiplash.

i wonder what else was on her mind that day that was already stressing her out, and the crash was the straw that broke the camel's back. 

i wonder how she made it through all she did and still held her head high. 

just so many things i didn't even realize she must be going through when i was so young. i just was. i was just me, living my kid life, playing outside, making plays and talent shows with my sister.

so many times i am stressed. stressed to my limit. 

how will i keep on working from home while juggling 2 kids?

how will i deal with the health issues?

how will i make it through this miscarriage?

how will i ever raise my kids to be functional adults if i myself don't feel like one?

but i know. there is something to be said about unconditional love and trying your best. they are alive, they are fed, they are loved. loved so so much. 

yes, i know. 

the kids, will be okay.

And Cheer Our Cougars of BYU

Guys. My sister Kylie graduates today. Well she is actually graduating RIGHT NOW. ... and Chad too, I love him but this post is not about him...love you Chad :)

Kylie is my sister...junior by 3 years. 

We went through a lot of traumatic events our first few years of life. It wasn't easy for her from the time she was born. But she was loved. 

When she was 6 (i think. I am so bad at dates) She was diagnosed with something scary. It was called Chiari One Malformation, its not a joke. Seriously READ IT! We were all scared. The doctor told us she shouldn't have been able to be doing stuff like gymnastics and dance which she was doing very well. I remember my parents spent a lot of time at the hospital with her (Yay Primary's!). I remember visiting her and being so scared that something was wrong and she wouldn't be okay (Boo Anxiety) 

But she was. Her face was a little fat for a while, but we won't hold that against her on the account of her B R A I N ----- S U R G E R Y!

So anyways, Fat face Kylie turned into cute Kylie. 

Although there was that one time that she was talking to herself in the bathroom, saying, I'm not a chicken nugget, YOU'RE a chicken nugget...Weirdo

We grew up acting out plays, making ridiculous videos on the video camera, playing at the Draper pool, going on roadtrips every summer, flying out once a year to see my dad and experience cool life things. We have experienced 1 divorce, 2 remarriages, 7 more siblings, several moves, and more. 

We have done a lot. 

I was a hard person to live with, and because of that I wasn't always the best sister. I struggled with what I now know is severe anxiety disorder, but i didn't know how to control it. This meant that Kylie had to deal with my grand psycho-ness all the time. I hate that. But she managed to still live with me. 

As long as I can remember my sister has always wanted to go to BYU. She studied hard in high school, she got the grades, she got in and left for college. She has had a rough couple years in college dealing with various personal issues. But she got through them. She didn't give up, even though there are times I know she wanted to. In the middle of that she got married to Chad (oh hey again Chad). They got a dog named Piper. NOW they are finally graduating!!! I am so proud of her! 

Kylie is an incredible aunt and an awesome person! She is very passionate about what she does. She supports me in my open adoption. She loves my kids, sometimes probably more than me. I am beaming with pride and joy to introduce you to the newest graduates of BYU!!! (yes, even you Chad)

Why we should SHUT UP about other's bodies...

I love to get together and talk with my girlfriends. I will admit honestly that it hasn't always been the nicest conversations either. We gossip about mutual friends sometimes, and that is not okay. It is my 2015 goal to no longer do this needless gossiping. No one is perfect, we all need to vent, but it is mean.

What bothers me more than gossiping is gossiping about other's bodies. This I  r e a l l y shy from for a few reasons. 1. My body is not what the world says it should be and I have no reason to make fun of anyone else. 2. I used to work at an eating disorder clinic where I saw girls and women struggle EVERY DAY with their bodies even though in the world's eyes they were gorgeous women. They all had their own stories to tell of how their eating disorders started by being bullied, their parents' comments, media, etc. All reasons had to do with one time or another, someone telling them how their body should look.

I believe in being healthy, which is something I really have to strive every day for. For some reason I love crappy food and I work on it EVERY SECOND of the day to resist it.  It has always been a struggle. I have been through endometriosis, the trauma of placing a child, having two children shortly after, and many bouts of depression, to top it all off my genes are terrible. "Excuses" I know, but to me they are very real "excuses"

A few weeks ago I had someone who I would consider close criticize my weight within ear shot.

Things like:

 She looks P R E G N A N T

Her legs look fine but her stomach...

Her face is chubby

She  just looks HUGE

She will struggle her WHOLE life being fat.

Yes person (that I can no longer stand to think about with crying or feeling rage), I am bigger than I should be and is publicly "acceptable". Yes my stomach is very bloated. I struggle with things like IBS and Endometriosis that certainly don't help with that, but mostly I struggle with social eating. Yes  I will struggle my whole life. 

BUT

You don't need to say it. I don't need you to. You don't get to say that. My body is NOT your body. 

What if she had chosen another topic, like the weather or who got the latest rose on the Bachelor? Would I be hurt at this point in time? Would it have absolutely destroyed any last ounce of self confidence I had? No. I would of continued about these last few weeks, fighting my demons and still finding a little bit of beauty when I took the time to get cute, and to feel proud instead of discouraged when I chose a protein shake over waffles in the morning. 

I understand we are the masters of our own happiness, I am striving to find my happy regardless of the above conversation. But we also have the chance to be contributors to someone else's happiness rather than discouragement. We have the choice to build others up rather than tear them down. 

Since that conversation, when I see food, I seriously get terrible anxiety, i watch if others are watching me, I generally come close to tears or do actually cry... All because someone felt the need to criticize me..out LOUD. In ear shot. 

So let's do what Ellen says at the end of each show, " BE KIND TO ONE ANOTHER"

We have so much power to do good and lift others up. We have power to be the change.