2018 Goals -- Part 1

Been thinking and pondering a lot about what my goals for 2018 will be. Yah there is the usual “i need to eat better, and be better at picking my clothes off the bathroom floor” But this year i wanted to pick a character based goal. 

It’s no secret i have no problem speaking my mind. But one thing i greatly struggle with is being full authentic with the small parts of my life. Some people already know about my journey these past two years, but i feel all the private messages and questions i’m getting would be better in black and white for everyone to see.

The Mormon church is an incredibly special thing in my life. It gave me a great moral background and a lot of fun activities growing up. I loved (and still love the memories) of Girls Camp, OakCrest, Youth Conference and Pioneer Trek. My parents used those values to teach me the value of service, compassion, and loving other people. I met many friends because of the Mormon church. 

I haven't gone to church but a few times in the last couple years. I didn't stop going because of John Dehlin or issues with church history. That just wasn't the case for me. (Although I don't think people who stop going because of that are wrong). I didn't stop going to church because I was offended. I stopped going to church because of how it made me feel. 

As shared in my previous post, I went through some really interesting experiences as a 14 year old. After that, the church for me was tainted emotionally. Anytime I walked into a church building after that, I felt shame and unworthiness rush over my body like a giant tidal wave. I tried so hard though to keep going, maintain faithfulness, and do what I was supposed to. I worked hard to become worthy, I got married in the temple, I blessed my children, I converted friends. I did it all. Yet, the pangs of unworthiness and shame still remained deep within me. Anxiety and panic setting in every time. I decided to take a break. 

A break I took. I didn't do anything wild. I just chose to not go to church. I went to other churches but they didn't feel right either. One took God out of the equation completely, one was fire and brimstone, one was just a little loud for my taste. I began to feel discouraged - I love Christ. I love my Heavenly Father. I love scriptures and the stories they have to offer, and I don't really care if they are historical, they to me still represent wonderful stories of how to be a good person. I wanted to find something where I could still worship God, I wanted a community, but most of all I just wanted to feel completely accepted for being unabashedly me. 

I started seeking God. Not just in a religious sense, but in a personal sense. I started attending a Christian church and things changed for me a little. I was able to hear of God. I didn't feel pressure to be a certain way, or be a certain person. I didn't feel judged about my career. I was just an awesome mom who loved Christ and wanted to feel his love. 

Something in me in the last year has changed. I am happier. I am emotionally lighter. I am more confident. I am no longer weighted down by intense shame. I am worthy. I am worthy. And I am able to tell people to their face when questioned, Just because my happiness and fulfillment does not come from the LDS church right now (or possibly ever) does not in any way diminish your happiness and fulfillment from your religion or faith. We are all brothers an sisters just trying to find what keeps us happy and fulfilled. 

So this year I am going to be authentic. I am going to be me. I am not going to apologize for things that make you "sad for me" or make you uncomfortable. Deal with it or don't. What I really hope and wish for is that you can see that I am very happy. That my faith in Christ and most importantly MYSELF is stronger and more brilliant than it ever has been. 

In the light of Authenticity, here are my confessions/declarations that I need you to know. 

1. I Love Christ, My Heavenly Father, and I believe very strongly in a higher power. I have had so many experiences that mean so much to me, that I have a hard time every disputing the fact that there is a higher power. And If you don't believe in the same higher power, or a higher power at all, I don't care. I love you. Not in spite of your choices of worship or lack there of, but because of who you are. 

2. I have tattoos. I actually have quite a few. And, I am not ashamed of them. In fact, they boost my confidence. They are beautiful. They mean something to me. They mean a lot to me. I will probably get more tattoos. There are people who have asked me to keep them covered around them, and I will continue doing that as best as I can out of respect. But It is me, it is my body. 

3. I am a huge supporter and serious ally of the LGBTQ community. I realize it has its own complications for people. But I really just love everyone. If I don't like a person, its because of who they are as a person, or because I don't jive with them, not because of their sexual orientation. Within this confession or declaration I am also telling you that I am bisexual. It is something few people know. But I don't really care anymore. It is a part of me. No, it is not a choice. No, that does not mean I am attracted to a bunch of women. This is just how I am wired. It is who I am and I can't really change that. Trust me, Ive tried. lol. 

Lastly (for today, cuz who i am kidding lol)

4. Being a working mom is not something I do because I have to. It is something I do because I want to. I am soooooo proud of my career. I am proud of being a working member of society. It gives me purpose. I love and cherish the fact that I am the breadwinner of the family. I love that I am teaching my daughter she can do ANYTHING she sets her mind to. That you don't have to have formal training in something if you are willing to learn and to hustle. I want my son to know it is okay to support women in their dreams and in their careers. It is more than okay, its awesome. Being a stay at home mom were some of the darkest times in my life. Days of sitting on the couch, being so incredibly depressed and hating my life. Not engaging with my children at all. Now, I get up in the morning, I talk to my kids and get them ready. I tell them I love them about a million times. When I come home, I am engaged. I take them to experience things, to do things, to enjoy this life they are living. I read them books, I cuddle, I get on the floor and play with them. They are happy kids. they are loved kids, and they know they are loved. I am not ashamed of having a career. I also do not think having a career makes me better than those that Stay at home. I think they are amazing humans and there are those who were just meant to be stay at home moms and thrive in that role. 

So there is me, writing a journal entry/blog/answering questions. Next one will be on why boundaries are hard for me :) 

Love who you are. Be who you are. Unashamed. 

Know Better. Do Better. -- LDS Worthiness Interviews and Lay Clergy

TL;DR -- Listen to THIS PODCAST and think about signing THIS Petition

I have talked about this publicly before. And I am not trying to beat a dead horse, but this needs to be said and it NEEDS to be talked about. 

I am not the only one this has happened to. And this doesn't just happen to "those types of people". This is also not because bishops are bad men. This is a practice issue. This is a culture issue, and authority issue. This is an education issue. Also, the following article is not a dig on my parents, nor is it a dig on the church. It is a know better, do better call to action. 

At 14 years old, I was accused of something horrific. At that time in my life, I was a compulsive liar when it came to my parents because my anxiety leaves me with an intense fear of disapproval. So, there were moments that I lied, even when I didn’t have to because I was scared. Not because my parents beat me, but because I love my parents so much I want their extreme approval for everything. So this horrific accusation, made by some family, was not what they were making it out to be. I was immediately blamed for it, being the older child in the situation, and my life fell apart before my eyes.

I lost one side of my family completely. They rarely if ever talk to me, and when they do, they are superficial and forced. It killed me because this side of my family was the side of family connection I craved the most at this time in my life. I felt completely pushed aside by all of them.

Then, I was forced to go the bishop. Where I sat alone with a 50 something year old man, and he asked me some pretty gross, personal, and inappropriate (in my opinion) questions. This same bishop also told me that I could never actually truly be forgiven in this life and It was up to God on whether he wanted to forgive me when I passed onto the next life. He told me that our lives would play on a big screen in front of everyone and they would all see the disgusting choices I have made. He then disfellowshipped me, which is a very public and shaming punishment for such a young child. At this age, church was everything to me. It was all I knew. Now I had to ignore the sacrament, refuse the request for prayers and talks, then I was released from my calling in Young Women’s. For a teenager, a young teenager, your life may as well be over.

Following that you see my journal (following are actual excerpts) in a matter of weeks go from

“I am so excited for mutual tonight” and “Ward choir today was so amazing”

To

“I will never be able to get married in the temple now” and “I am a horrible person, no wonder my parents hate me”

I found these journal entries the other day, while going through my memory book. I cried through the whole last half of it. It is heart breaking. Throughout this journal, You can see all the things I loved, but you could also see that my anxiety was just taking over my life little by little and I didn’t know at the time, what that was or how to deal with it.

I describe myself in my journal many times as Jessa 1 and Jessa 2, while this may seem scary to some and slightly schizophrenic, what it actually was, was my way of explaining that when my anxiety took over I became a completely different person and when I came out of that anxious state I would feel self-loathing, remorseful, and suicidal. At 14 I mentioned suicide MANY times in my journal, saying how easy it would be for my parents and family if I left, because I was constantly being told I was the cause for all contention, so why live.

I wasn’t a perfect child by any means and will never claim to be, but I was also very deep in a mental illness called anxiety that I didn’t know how to control or even what it was.

While you may think that "this is not a widely run issue, and this doesn't happen often." And you may also think "It is her fault for being a problem teen" STOP. LISTEN.

This is common. It happens all the time. I find it so odd that members use the justification of "Well they are just men, doing their best, trying to help." EXACTLY. They are just men. They are not professional counselors. They are not sexual experts. They are mailmen, businessmen, accountants, etc. They do not and should not have the authority to talk to young children or ANYONE for that matter about sexual practices. It is just setting our children up for situations they should not be in.

Members see these men as some of the utmost authority in our wards and religion. As a child/teen/adult we sometimes have a hard time seeing the line blurring of appropriate/inappropriate. I didn't even question the questions my bishop asked me, because he was a man of God, he must be asking me these questions because God told him to.

Here are my pleas to you.

1. Don't allow your children to go into an interview alone with a bishop, young women's leader, or stake president alone EVER. You just shouldn't.

2. If you choose to allow your teens and children to still go to these interviews alone. At the very least, you better educate them. You tell them what is appropriate and what is not. We spend so much time teaching your children what is appropriate with the law of chastity. We forget to tell our children what is appropriate/inappropriate to be asked from a bishop. And if it is uncomfortable, its probably inappropriate. If it is anything more than are you worthy, its probably inappropriate.

3. For the love of all that is holy. Stop the shame cycle. I really in my heart believe pornography is a yucky thing. But I also believe and have read many research showing that the reason why so many Mormon men have become addicted to it is because of Shame. Masturbation IS natural. Read any number of scientific journals on it. It is normal. What is not normal? Excessive masturbation, using materials to aid in masturbation. Those are what we should be worried about.

I truly hope that even if one person can learn from my story, or so many others, we can stop this. Together we can change this and fix it.