This Year Changed Me

Disclaimer: This post is kind of long. But it was so important to me to get it off of my chest, I needed it more specifically for journaling purposes. I am not going to lie though I love this post and it lifted my spirits tonight. 

A lot about this year has changed my life, for the better. 

I endured a lot of very hard trials this year. I visited the hospital and doctors probably at least 50 times. I was admitted to the hospital for an extended stay at least 4 times. I lost my faith in the church. I lost my best furry friend who was always by my side. I had several friends die, a few of which through their own choice. But because of these trials I learned a lot.

I learned to LOVE: not the superficial "I love cupcakes, rainbow farting unicorns, and lemonade" love. I am talking the true, deep, unbelievable heart so full you want to cry love. I learned to hug my children and kiss their face til they won't let me. I learned to enjoy ever cuddle even if it means not getting laundry done. I learned to get off my phone and talk to Mina and hear her, learn from her, laugh with her, and sometimes just watch. I can feel Christ around me when I see her smile. I try to never pass  up a moment to cuddle with Evan. I love holding him in my arms, rocking him to sleep, listening to his breaths, sighs, and giggles. I learned to only look for good in my husband. To tell him how much I love him with every chance. I learned to compliment him often, thank him for even the little things, and just hug him for minutes instead of quick hugs and keep moving. I learned to love my family, even in their shortcomings. I love them with all of me. I love each and every one of them for different reasons and am so incredibly thankful for the light they bring into my life. 

I learned to have COURAGE: I am not afraid. I have always tended to be bold and outspoken. HOWEVER, I have also sometimes struggled to say what I truly feel if I am afraid it might hurt someone. I also have been embarrassed or nervous to share about my religion. This year that has changed (and I am still working on it.) I am not afraid to bear my testimony. I am not afraid to tell people I am LDS, I believe in Christ, I believe in life after death, I am thankful to be married to my husband and my family for time and all eternity. I was not afraid to tell people where I stood politically. I worked hard on Mitt Romney's campaign (last year) and I loved it. I was not afraid to tell people that I support equal rights. I was not afraid to tell people that I do have deep doctrinal questions about my religion, but I still believe it. I learned to be brave. Telling people how you really feel does many things for your soul. It releases pent up feelings, relieving stress. It teaches people new ideas and view points. It starts great discussions so you can learn new ideas and view points. It also does wonders for your self esteem. I have made the decision to not cower away from my beliefs if it might effect followers on twitter or blogging. I don't care. I am who I am, I believe what I believe. I have made many new friends and learned so many new things from this new found courage. 

I learned to BUILD A TESTIMONY: I lost my faith and found it again all in one year. A lot of it because of one ward that made all the difference in my life, even though we were only in it for a few short weeks. I learned that the gospel itself is perfect, I learned the people in and of the church are not. I learned to listen to General Conference and truly take away beautiful truths from the talks. I found strength in asking friends about their beliefs. I learned about other religions. I learned to bring faith, peace, spirit, and love back into our home. I learned to Pray. I learned how to really talk to God again. I learned about my gratitude for The Priesthood. I built my testimony again. I continually build it more and more. I know God loves me, I know he knows about my personal struggles and is there for me, I know he never gives up on me, I know he feels my true intentions on life, and most importantly I know he knows that my struggles are real and that I need help through them. He has sent so many beautiful people into my lives for many different reasons to help me through many different trials. 

the last big thing I learned….

I learned to LOVE MYSELF: My whole life I have never learned to love myself. Counselors have told me it is one thing or another, I always blamed it on that. This year I took control of it and am working hard to continue this uphill battle. I am beautiful. I am strong. I am compassionate. I love others deeply. I am intelligent. I am determined. I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father and Mother. I learned to be smart about what I was putting in my body. I learned that exercise (although not always fun) is good emotionally and physically. I learned that looks are nothing without loving who you are inside and out. I learned that I am capable of being of confident. Instead of walking around places with my head down, I walk with my head up, say hello to random strangers, smile at everyone, hug people I hardly know. The greatest truth that helped me was I learned 

TO LOVE MYSELF, I NEED TO LOVE OTHERS. 

My friend showed me something really neat that has made a big difference it is called EFT. I know it sounded weird at first to me too. But it really made a difference. To love yourself you have to be at peace with yourself spiritually and emotionally. I made an effort to get ready every day. Even if it was only 5 minutes before Wes got home I did it. I did my hair, put on make up, cute clothes. It made a difference. Then I worked hard to be a better housekeeper. I was proud of myself for keeping my house clean. It made me feel better about my productivity, which in turn gave me more energy. I tried new crafts and recipes, things I wouldn't have tried before, and I enjoyed it. Loving myself helped me with everything else in my life. I learned that I need to be the change in my life. I can not rely on others. I am my own master of my own happiness. 

This year truly was the hardest yet most emotionally rewarding years of my life. I won't be able to list them all, but there are a few people who really made a difference in my journey this year. PLEASE do not be offended if you are not listed. Each person in my life is very important to me but there are a few who made an extra effort to be there for me and help me find myself. 

My Mom. I call my mom literally every day. (i am already crying writing this haha) I sometimes call her 5 times a day. She always answers. She always talks to me. Sometimes I make up reasons to call her because I just want to hear her voice. Talking to her I know she loves me. She lets me cry, whine, and vent. She lets me know it is okay I am not a perfect mom. She encourages me to move on. I have called her in my darkest of hours and she has single handedly pulled me out of them. She doesn't know (well now she will) how those 2 minute chats on the phone change my entire day. I sometimes call her just so that I can get some courage to keep going throughout my day. She is an amazing grandmother. Mina loves her to the moon and back. She asks to go to Nanny's house about 4.2 million times a day. She loves her grandkids so much and would do anything for them. I hated her when I was a teenager, and I will never get over the regret for how I treated her. She is grace, strength, Christ-like love, and a powerhouse. I hope God gives her the biggest most ridiculous mansion in heaven because she deserves it.

Mina. I chose this picture because it emulates what I feel about her. She was the first person I wanted to see right after I gave birth. She is my world (well now half of it :) ). She has taught me to laugh when things go terribly wrong. She has taught me that how you speak and the emotions you give off greatly effect other people. She has taught me to sit back, relax, and read Good Night Gorilla 89 times in a row. She has taught me to be excited about dandelions, the swimming pool, trucks, music, and exploring. She makes me laugh, she kisses me when she knows I am sick, she rubs my back when I am sad, and she taught me how to get off the couch and do something fun. God sent me this angel. 

Alyson Elizabeth Bernhisel Hammond. Holy moley. I would die without her in my life. She is my bestie. I have now known her for almost 5 years. She is always there for me. ALWAYS. She changes her entire night's plans to watch Mina for me when I got an ENG that left me way sicker than I intended. She helped me start friendly home evenings. She helps me with my struggles in the Gospel. She led me to the beautiful family I placed Josie with. She helped teach me to Love me. She lets me cry, she lets me vent, she lets me talk her ear off. I seriously do not know what I am going to do when she moves next month. I might die, or go broke from traveling there so often. She is going to be an incredible mom and I can't wait to see her take that step in her life. This girl is one of a kind and I don't know how I got so lucky. 

Cory Harker. I learned a lot from him indirectly this year. He doesn't know it. But this kid has taught me to be happy. Keep swimming. Be laid back. Cory is always a good person to be around. He is so kind and just has this bright countenance about him. He and his wife Emily (not pictured) do a lot for us. They have many times called and asked to take Mina for us just to give us a break. Many of those times I was at my wits end and know it was a gift they had the impression to call me. Cory and Emily also taught me that even though things can be hard, if you do what is right, it will all work out in the end.

Awwww. Evbot. Cutest little boy I ever gave birth to. Evan and I have a very special bond. He loves to cuddle. He loves me to hold him. He loves me to rock him to sleep. He makes me feel like a good mom. I feel so close to heaven when I hold this little guy. I can already tell he has a the sweetest most loving spirit. He has helped me learn to just relax and enjoy the moment. I can not wait to see what he will continue to bring to our family.

Travis. Travis is my brother in law. Travis endured some pretty rough life trials in recent years, yet you would never know it. He has such a good attitude. He doesn't give up. He just always perseveres and keeps on going. He also taught me to look for the best in people. He rarely says anything negative about anyone. He has a wonderful sense of humor and he loves to serve. He is also a way fun uncle and Mina loves him.

My dad. This guy is kind of incredible. I am actually super surprised he hasn't been translated already. This man is the most christ-like individual I have ever met in my entire life. I am blessed that he married my mom and took me in as my daughter. I got lucky with having two awesome dads. My dad was amazing growing up. He built us rad gifts, took us on adventures, and just took care of us. He works so incredibly hard it blows my mind. He owns a business (often times working til 2 am), he is a bishop (and he truly loves and cares about EVERY SINGLE PERSON in that ward), he is a father of 6 (and coaches just about every single one of the younger kids teams), he will serve anyone possible, he is a shameless missionary, and a great listener. My dad is always the first to hug me when we come to visit, he asks me how I am doing, how he can help. When you talk to him, you feel the love radiate off of him. I have yet to meet a soul as pure as his. He is genuine. We joke because the kids hate going trick or treating with him, because he stops at EVERY SINGLE HOUSE and has a conversation with them. Growing up we would clean the church every single saturday, then we would go over to ever needed help laying sod, then we would help whoever needed help moving, then we would go visit anyone who needed a visit, then he would let my mom know he invited like 12 people over for dinner the next day. I truthfully am unsure if there were more than 5 or 6 weeks growing up where we did not have anyone over for dinner. That is just how he is. He will give and give and give. 

Tara and Josh. This is an awesome couple. They have endured what seems like an insurmountable amount of struggle, pain, and discouragement in their life. BUT I have rarely not seen a smile on either of their faces. Tara is so happy it kinda freaks me out. She is so sweet, she loves her children more than anything. Josh is one of those people where you feel how incredibly genuine he is as a person. Together they are a super awesome power couple of love and kindness. They are spontaneous, adventurous, and most of all they have so much faith in Christ and his power to get them through anything.

Nicole. My sister-in-law. Some people want to be astronauts, dentists, or teachers when they grow up. I wanna grow up to be Nicole. shhhhh…don't tell the other speights but she is my favorite. I scored big time in the in-law department. I always wanted a big sister and I finally got one. She is incredible. She is one of the most hands-on moms I have ever met. She educates her children with every possible opportunity. She is not afraid to have a deep deep discussion about pretty much anything. She continually educates herself on anything she can get her hands on. She makes you feel appreciated. She  is not afraid to try new things, travel, and make new friends. She finds so much joy in everything she does. She does so much for Wes and I. I feel 100% comfortable in going to her for just about anything I need. She is wise beyond her years. She loves her family. She also really means a lot to Wes, and cares about Wes, which means a lot to me. She believes in having fun and finding joy in simple things. She is one of the people who encouraged me to unplug and REALLY pay attention to my kids and do fun things with them. 

Tim. Married to my best friend. Tim isn't going to have as long of a caption because I haven't known him as long. But Tim taught me this year that it is definitely possible to overcome all trials with the Lord on your side. He taught me to trust in Lord with all thine heart, and lean not to your own understanding.  He also taught me that success is not defined in doing things right the first time, it is in actually accomplishing it eventually. Even if it means trying a million bajillion times. 

Richard. This is one of my little brothers. Many people don't know that he struggles with a mental disability. Doctors have had a hard time diagnosing what it actually is but it is some form of Aspergers, mixed with PDDNOS, mixed with Anxiety, and Depression. He really struggles. His life is not an easy one. He hates that he is this way. There are times when his disability takes over and he is mean, violent,   destructive, and drives the spirit away. What is so sad about it is he is painfully aware of his disability. He knows he is different. He is high enough functioning that the guilt of his actions when his disability takes over pains hime. Richard loves with all of his heart. He loves the church. He loves and I mean LOVES little kids, especially Mina and Evan. He is so sweet and kind hearted to them. He would do anything for them. Richard was born on my 10th birthday so we share a very special connection anyway. Richard has taught me to learn to cope. To keep pushing forward, to not let your disability define you. He will probably struggle his whole life. Luckily, I know that God gives only his most special of children disabilities. I can not wait to see Richard in the next life, when he is in a perfect state of mind. I love him so much. I think of him often. I am thankful for everything he has brought into my life. 

Shane and Megan. Boy howdy. How do you ever say enough. This year in particular I learned from them to have faith. Have faith that God knows best, even if it tears your heart apart. I also learned that when you live your life doing for others, God will do for you. They are such beautiful people with beautiful spirits, I love them for all that they are. 

Devin. This lady has taught me so much from day 1 of knowing her. I miss living 5 minutes away from her. Devin has adopted 2 children, both with a lot of struggles. Devin puts so much faith in God. She also never stops serving others. The thing I learned from Devin though, is to never lose sight of the big picture. Our struggles are small compared to the big picture. 

Oh Maria. My Maria. I love her. I am so thankful the Lord brought her in my life. Maria is that friend who I called to my house at 3 am when I went into labor. Maria makes my family dinner when I am sick. Maria is my therapist. Maria is the one who took my children to the hospital and called my husband when I got whisked away on an ambulance. She shows up at my house and does my dishes. She makes a really amazing cheesecake. She taught me to go for your dreams. She is just a wee bit older than me and she is almost done with her PhD. She is kind of a badass. She is not afraid to choose a dream and go for it. She also always makes an effort to serve others and see the best in everyone. 

The Pickells. Geez I could write a novel about this family. Judi is my aunt. Some of my earliest memories involve her. She has done so much for me in my life and still continues to do so. She has such an amazing testimony of Christ and strives to live Christian values daily. She serves whenever possible. I seriously get texts from her at least once every other week and they usually consist of "what can I do to help you?". The most amazing thing she did for me this year was about a week after I had Evan. I was having some serious depression. I was struggling really bad. Wes had to work close to 80 hours. I think I wore the same pair of pajamas for 3 days straight all day. Judi drove 3 hours to my house. She took me out to lunch. She then gave me 50 dollars to go shopping and buy some new clothes, while she watched my children. She then drove 3 hours back home. I am not lying when I say I cried the entire 3 hours it took her to get to Logan and for the rest of the day after she went home. They were tears of relief. She seriously just cares about people. I can guarantee if somebody needed something she had she would give it to them without thinking twice. She is selfless as they come. Vaughn is her husband. He is no joke one of my favorite people to talk to. First of all I think his cooking could win Iron Chef. Second of all he too lives selflessly. He spent many hours helping me with a legal matter this year. It was so helpful and took a lot of stress off of my family. He didn't have to do it, but he did it anyways. Vaughn is one of my favorite people to see Movies with. I love to talk to him about just about anything. He decided to redo his bathroom and pretty much learned everything on YouTube. No experience, just taught himself, and bam he remodeled his bathroom. His house looks like pinterest. One of my favorite memories of Vaughn is when Wes and I were dating we all drove to the Vegas Bowl together to see BYU vs Oregon. It was awesome. We had so much fun. Vaughn and Judi are wise, and they are always willing to give advice and lovingly share their opinion. 

Desha. I love her. She is not afraid to be herself. Online people think she is a jerk sometimes, but she isn't. She is loyal. She truly cares about other people. the greatest thing Desha has given me is learning to love myself again. She has spent countless hours helping me learn to fix my diet and get my health where it needs to be. She genuinely cares about me. Going to Portland is always so fun to hang out with her. We are as opposite as they come when it comes to religious and political views, but none of that matters. We are just really good friends. She truly understands what it means to love yourself, care for yourself, and make changes to be the best you possible. 

Shauna (ps…they are hoping to adopt) Shauna is an amazing mother. It blows my mind. She never goes a day without posting some crazy fun activity she does with her son Nathan. Seriously. It kind of freaks me out how fun she is. I wish she would adopt me. She has also taught me what it means to unplug and explore fun activities. She truly is not afraid to let her son get messy and bring out his artistic side and learn about himself. I feel like the old me was afraid to let go, and explore, even if it wasn't perfect. Shauna has shown that things aren't always perfect, but try anyways. 

Danelle. She writes THIS awesome website. She has also truly helped me on my journey to bettering my health. Real food is important. She also taught me it is okay to do 80/20. You don't have to go all or nothing. She let me come visit her adorable urban farm and made me want to live at her house forever. I seriously can not wait to own goats. Danelle taught me that when you take care of your body, a lot in your life will change. I love her dearly and her sense of humor kills me. 

Tamra. She is awesome. She is a birth momma. I have known her for a few years now. We have taken a few long road trips together. It has been swell. Recently Tamra reunited with her birth son. What I learned from Tamra is to live life. Full force. No regrets. Seriously, I have never met anyone so free and peaceful as Tamra. I mean, she pretty much just hitchhikes everywhere and hope she makes it home. She is incredible. Even though it was incredibly difficult to push through emotional barriers to contact her son, she did it. She is wise beyond her years. I love her forever and ever. 

TWO MORE GUYS!!! haha

Becca. My Becca. I love this momma. Becca is such an amazing spirit. God sent her to my life when I needed her desperately. It was a trip that almost didn't happen, but it did. Everytime I am with her I am smiling. She just loves. She is love. She is not afraid to be a complete dork with me and have so much fun. I can not imagine the havoc we are going to cause when I am with her for a full week in May. She is not afraid to share her shortcomings and things of her past to help me through my current trials. She is one of the few people I can talk to on the phone for a long time. I love her lots. She taught me that it is okay to get counseling, it is okay to share your feelings, and it is definitely important to be honest with yourself. 

Last but definitely not least, My Wesley. My dear sweet wesley. How will words ever describe what this man has done for me in my life. There are times he makes me so mad I want to scream, but most of the time he makes me so happy I don't know what I did to deserve him. I married up absolutely no doubt about it. Wes will let me cry, he doesn't mind if I just need him to be silent and let me cry. He stayed up with me until 3 am before talking to me when I was feeling depressed and very suicidal. He listens to my irrational fears. He encourages me and cheered me on when I decided to change my lifestyle and go to the gym. He supported me when I decided to get liposuction. He tells me I am beautiful. He calls me Pretty Girl (every time he does, my heart jumps a little). He gives the best hugs in the world. He makes me laugh so hard I have to try not to pee my pants. He can tell you anything about any movie. He listened to my doubts about the gospel and gave me his honest opinions. He gives me blessings at 4 in the morning when I have needed them. He stood by my side with all those countless hospital visits. He is the best dad in the entire world to our children. He plays with Mina, he reads her books, he teaches her new things, he takes her on adventures, he sings her songs, he dances like a goofball with her, and he cuddles with her all day long if she wants. He works 40 hours a week, takes 14 credits, plays on the USU ultimate team, then comes home takes out the garbages, does dishes, and whatever else I need help with. He helps with Evan at night. He never calls in sick. He works so hard to provide. He never complains. He is the best kisser in the world. He makes me laugh instead of fume when I get mad about something trivial. The most important thing Wes does for me, is love me unconditionally. Wes has taught me a love deeper than I knew possible. I can not wait for the many years and eternity to come with this man. 

There are so many more people I wish to individually thank. Maybe I will make a weekly thing of it and thank a few people each week. I love all of my friends and family who make a difference in my life. I hope that everyone has an amazing holiday and is able to be surrounded by love ones of some sort. Please know that even if you are not religious that someone loves you, and you should love yourself. Find that someone within you.

Also, if you made it through this whole post, congrats. I don't know if I would have read it if I were you. lol.